Control

(After I reread this I realized how off track I got....sorry)

littleone asked what my definition of control is?

I spent some time thinking about this and it has taken me a long time to try and write it out. I am not sure what I am avoiding but maybe I just don't know exactly what how to define it. I decided to write out what I 'think' I desire and that might help define control for me. It feels weird to write about what I want but I think it will help me.

I really would like for my mate to step up and take the reins. I want him to be 'the head of the household' so to speak. Some people I have met say that I want someone to micromanage me and I don't' see it that way. I would like to have the control step out of the bedroom and into our day to day life. Don't get me wrong I am really enjoying the sexual side of our life.

Side step to last night......
My mate came into the bedroom and told me to take my clothes off, lay on the bed and wait for him to come back and use me. OMG! My clit started to throb right there. I did as I was told and when he came in he really did 'use' me. It really did feel like he was the one in control. In the previous months I had felt that he was going threw the motions to appease me. Over the last month or so I feel that he is the one in control. I am there to serve and please him and that feeling has been amazing. But now I am like a kid in the candy store and I want more and more.

Our pattern lately has been up and down. We will have a great time for about a month and I feel that he is really enjoying things and embracing it and then there will be this step back from him. He will just decide that he doesn't want to take the lead int he bedroom and it throws me for a loop. I don't know what to do. I have been in this submissive space for a while and now he wants to just step out of it. I usually just go with it, but it tends to drag on and on. I feel confused and a bit lost. When I finally have the guts to ask about things he will say oh sorry and then he will flip back, and we will have a month or so like last night.

Go back in time a few months.......
A few months ago my mate told me that maybe I should start looking for a Dom online again because he wasn't up for the challenge. We spent a long time talking and trying to figure things out. One of things I love most about my marriage is that we have pretty good communication...not the best but good. I figured I would wait for a bit and see if that was how he was really feeling. I asked Sir Micheal to talk to him. This is the beginning of the up and down of things. It's frustrating for both of us. I figure that looking online for a Dom might be a good idea.

As I write this I am thinking that maybe I just need more consistency. When my mate is taking control things feel right or in place for me and then we hit a bump and it all goes to hell. I guess little one I am searching for more constancy in the control. I want to be allowed or granted the the right to be submissive and have it last more than a month. I do also want the level of sexual control to reach outside the bedroom but I think consistency is the first step.

Honestly I don't know what to do from here. I am honest about what I want and how I feel. I am honest about who I am and what I desire. I feel I do all the right things but it doesn't play out. am I asking too much? Am I expecting to much? I am open to hearing how others opinions because I know I am doing something wrong??

~fledgeling~