Separation, Protocols, and Responsibilities

Separation of church and state. Legal separation. Separation from loved ones. Separation of love and sex. Separation of play-time and real life.

Separation of what I know I should do and what I want to do.

Separation of "sub"-status and "girlfriend" status.

Separation of "friend" status and "pet" status.

I have crossed a good many lines of separation in my time. Some of them have been clear lines, some less so. Since I am fairly new to BDSM, I tend to be impatient with protocols, especially when I don't feel a particular protocol applies to me. Being a very opinionated woman, if I think a protocol doesn't apply to me in a particular case, I tend to just ignore it altogether.

Whoops - I did it again.

Ignored not only protocols, but good sense as well.

I often wonder if the average person wages the daily battles I do with myself. I know several people who seem to run smoothly through the course of their days. The alarm goes off, they get up. They get ready for work, automatically, seamlessly. They shower, they dress, they get going.

Not so with me. The alarm goes off, my mind starts screaming "NO! I'm NOT going in today!"

And it's pretty much downhill from there.

In BDSM, I have the same difficulty with obedience, and with patience. Waiting till my Lord is ready in particular. Maintaining protocols with Doms, even when not in a M/s relationship with my own Lord, much less the other Dom.

See, my Lord and I only play occasionally - so therefore my mind screams at me that all these "protocols" do not apply to me. That unless I am specifically involved in playtime, for which my Lord has specific words to begin and end a session, I am free to do and speak as I please. Even when speaking to my Lord, even when addressing other Doms.

Well now, there seems to be a difference of opinion on that subject!

(As Homer Simpson says: "D'oh!")

It seems that Doms like to be accorded respect all the time, not just within playtime, not just within BDSM situations.

Well then, I'm guilty of not doing that. I'm guilty of not respecting protocols, too. I'm guilty of being impatient with my Lord.

I did not see the line. The boundary line.

My Lord specifically told me to wait for him to do something, and I went around him.

Trouble was, we were not in playtime when he told me. It was sort-of implied. In the black-and-white world of Doms, I erred on the wrong side. In a more lenient world, I was a little pushy. But the fact remains that my Lord/boyfriend asked me to wait, and I pushed.

Uh-oh. Bad idea.

I don't think I'm getting off the hook this time, but it does bring up a topic that I've heard discussed from time to time, and I would love some clarity on this issue.

I am under the impression, you see, that Doms have some kind of responsibility toward their subs.

I've been told that things have to be negotiated ahead of time in a M/s relationship, and between Doms and subs. It's been made clear to me during group gatherings how I am to behave. I've been shown in lessons how other Doms and subs make arrangements. For example, when silence has been ordered, if the sub is feeling in danger, she (or he) is permitted to open and close a hand, a flashing signal to the Dom that there is trouble he (or she) needs to know about.

It was made equally clear to me, about that particular situation, that it was the Dom's responsibility to check his sub from time to time, to see if the hand was flashing!

I've been told that some slaves are ordered to be home, ready to hear from their master, at a specific time each day, or for a specific number of hours.

But the inference has been that the Dom will be on the other end of the phone or internet connection. Unless agreed to in advance, spelled out clearly, so that both parties know exactly what they are supposed to be doing.

I have never disobeyed my Lord. I have occasionally done things that weren't what my boyfriend preferred. But we talk things out. We come to understandings.

Well, recently I was "pushy", and punishment has been recommended.

I'm going to say I probably deserve it, if only for the tone of my communication, which was decidedly closer to the "nagging wife" side of the scale than "sub".

But I need clarification, even though I'm NOT in a full-time M/s relationship, on what is generally agreed on that I'm permitted to expect from my Lord.

I have, in fact, been trying for some time to be dominated. Figuratively speaking, the hand has been flashing. Figuratively speaking, the arms have been waving wildly, I've been jumping up and down, whistling, shouting, doing anything I can to get someone, sometimes anyone, to dominate me!

I do, in fact, find it easier to get along in the world under my Lord's guidance. Now, he is a busy man. I know I can't expect his attention all the time.

But just how much time, or how much guidance, can be expected? Especially given the limitations of a "play-time only" type of relationship.

That is my question.