Release

‘A true lack of writing ….’ As my mentor reminds me.

So much of the journey is experiencing, feeling, and writing it all down. To share, disclose, self actualize, and somehow also embrace it all can quickly become very overwhelming.

However, since I committed to discover, feel, and embrace everything that my dominate nature could evolve into, I also accepted the possibility that what I might find, may not be what I expected ...

So has become the case.

As I have so aggressively dove in and expressed my dominate nature with the many available slave and sub boys at my disposal, I have taken great care to develop my craft (yet, not without lessons along the way…)

In such a short amount of time I have enjoyed many sessions of inflicting pain to their helpless balls and cocks. Watching them as their squirming hips try so desperately to avoid my intent. They all knew what was next, and like lost little boys as they looked up at me from the floor only incentivized me more to quickly strap them up, bound tightly against my flogging board and begin the next round of my pleasure.

Yet, as enjoyable as all of these encounters for me have been, silently, and ever so gently, parts of me not wanting to acknowledge or even accept what I have always perceived as the ‘weaker’ side of nature has also evolved and transcended me into a softer place …

a submissive side, or nature if you will …,

And as I have continued with my sub and slave boys and the intensity of the sessions have increased, this realization of a possible submissive side that might exist inside of me has often come with angst and uncertainty. Hence, my hesitation to write it all down and make it real.

But finally ….

From the time that I first purchased a collar for a slave boy, my dominate side was smug in agreement that yes, this collar would certainly do. However, ever so quietly, a humming soon began as I secretly wanted to ‘know’ what it would feel like around my own neck.

Pushing out those first initial thoughts, I was appalled at myself. How could I even consider to be a responsible Domme if any part of me also might even want to relinquish control, or even consider feeling the same taste of leather as it cut thru the air and land sharply against my slave boys back.

So suddenly, and almost immediately as I reveled in this fleeting thought, an intense energy of such strong sexual arousal went thru me which absolutely knocked me off my feet.

And then I knew. So simply in fact.

It wasn’t about losing something, or giving in to a point of vulnerability of which I can never return. It is about really, really, understanding my own nature in all its complexities, in all its needs, wants and desires.

It was about release.

Yet, another complication. I am not, nor have I ever been sexually attracted to men. I am a lesbian by nature; this realization has always been a part of my life and has never caused me any true angst or confusion of where my emotional and sexual love comes from.

Straight people never say to themselves, ‘gee, I wonder if I’m straight’ …. Well, gay people don’t ask themselves that question either. We know.

So, once acknowledged that the need existed for me to feel the release of my dominate side, the thought of where to safely land and experience this did not exist for me.

Then, as suddenly as the realization that my submissive side existed, and knowing my nature which would never allow any man to dominate me, I knew my release could only come from a woman.

And then she arrived.

In this small, meek little package that under any normal vanilla circumstances I could so easily overpower and break. She stood before me and wanted to know my truth.

To this woman whom in her 50 years has never been exposed to the BDSM lifestyle. I have presented myself naked, on my knees, head bowed, and properly collared. I can not even begin to describe how at that moment, when I was before her, where both my mind and heart landed. But clearly, it was at the foot of the stairs at the entrance of the house I have always wanted to live in.

Amazingly she doesn’t even realize how she controls me … Yet, I know, it is for me in the most delicious way possible… with the love, care and purity of her heart.

‘Teach me’ she says, I need to know who you are, I need to know all of who you are and how we can be that together. And in this what was once just my journey, has become hers. One that I get to see unfold and evolve for her, as my mentor CLoud has seen mine from afar as well…

More for me to write about later as our journey continues …