Feeling Lost

K wrote from - http://notquiteplanned.blogspot.com/ "So I've been rebuilding, from the ground up, to learn how to identify myself through only myself. Because if I can't do that, then I'm not ready to move on and I'm certainly not ready to belong to someone else because as long as I'm still clinging to that bit of identity I had in that relationship I am still owned in part - even if I've been released."

This quote from k's blog really made me think. Ever since i was released from Cloud i still think of what He would have me do or how He would help guide me threw a situation. i think about His thoughts more than Sir Micheal. Even to this day i still look to Cloud for advice. i value and trust His opinion. Does that mean i haven't truly left? Then i read in a comment by Cloud this afternoon: "as far as taking you back from what you write I do not think you really ever left"

When i first meet Cloud online i knew within a few emails that i could trust Him. i tend to really trust my intuition and i am usually right. (Not to pat myself on the back or anything it's just something i trust in myself) Even with this recent Dom i met online i looked to Cloud to help me. Deep down i knew this Dom wasn't right for me but i still looked to Him for advice. i wonder why?

i am SOOOOOOO longing for a Dom in my life right now. i feel i need the control more now than ever. i have felt this burning desire inside me for so long. It is like i am half way there but never get all the way. UGH!!!!!

i need the control. i want the control. It's not just sexual. i desire the day to day control. i desire to get my mind refocused on my submission. That is something i find i struggle with on my own. i try to focus my submission when i am with Sir Micheal or my mate, but there is always this sense of something missing. It's like i am surrounded by people who love and care for me but just can't give me all i desire. Am i being selfish or do i just know what i want?

i feel at a crossroads of sorts. It's like i could try and move forward with my submission or i could just push it back down and move on as things are now. i have been on my own for quite some time now and i am starting to feel lost again. i felt so focused and on track when i was released from Cloud......now i feel like i am floating out into oblivion.

well those are the thoughts running around in my head. Maybe i am over thinking things? Maybe i am desiring to much? Maybe i am being to picky?

Until next time
~fledgeling~